Hook, Line and Sinker/Transcript
Brent Leroy: The sign, I just saw the sign. Lacey Burrows: What kinda sign, sign of the times? Wanda Dollard: First sign of trouble? Lacey: A sign of the apocalypse? Brent: No. And for the record if I do see a sign of the apocalypse, I'll say, "the sign is nigh." If I say I've seen a sign it means I've seen an actual sign like the one we rented to put out by the highway. Lacey: Oh, the sign! Wanda: Did you come up with a slogan? Brent: Yes, I did. And it pushes both Corner Gas and the Ruby. And uh, you know, I don't like to toss this word around lightly, but I think it's pithy. Lacey: Well, good. Just as long as you didn't put something stupid on it like "Eat at the Ruby and get gas." Brent: Whoa, whoa! Hold up. We're doin' rewrites. Karen Pelly: I can't believe you're sending me in without backup. Davis Quinton: It's just a fishing trip, Karen. Karen: But it's with Hank, twelve hours, killing fish. Davis: If it gets to ya, you don't have to kill 'em, you can just throw him into the lake. Karen: I wasn't worried about the fish. Davis: I wasn't talking about the fish. Karen: I only signed onto this because I thought It was going to be like a cop bonding thing. Now I'm bonding with Hank. Are you sure you can't come? Davis: This guy is the best aromatherapist on the prairies, and when a slot opens up, you jump for it. Hank Yarbo: OK, I'm all gassed up, ready to hit the road. Davis: Hey, sorry, again, I had to bail. Hank: Hey, I understand. Aromatherapy's aromatherapy. You ready to go? Hey, punch buggy. I'm just warmin' up, a two hour drive. Karen: Give me your gun. Davis: Don't worry. Hank is different when he fishes. Karen: How? Davis: Just different. Emma Leroy: Brent, where do you keep your canned pasta? Oscar Leroy: Not canned pasta, alphagetti. Her memory's going. Emma: I remember. You want alphagetti. Oscar: If you remember, why did you bring home dinogetti? Emma: What difference does it make? Oscar: You can't spell with dinosaurs. Brent: The alphagetti's over by the... Oscar: I know where it is. I'm still playing with a full deck. Emma: I don't know why you insist on alphagetti. You won't even eat the "E's." Oscar: Oh, everybody knows you don't eat the "E's." Emma: Then why are they in there? Oscar: Because they're in the alphabet. You'd know this if your memory wasn't going. Emma: I wish my memory was going. Then it would be like this conversation never happened. Brent: Why are ya harrangin' Mom? Oscar: She's always ridin' me about eating the "E's". Everybody knows you don't eat the "E's." Brent: Well, her memory seems fine to me. Oscar: You're not so quick yourself. I'm still sharp as a whip. Brent: Hey, what do you think of my new slogan? Lacey: I'm changing the sign. Brent: Come on, it's a joke. People like that kinda thing. Plus I was careful to choose a slogan where the letters couldn't be rearranged to spell anything embarrassing. Wanda: What slogan? Brent: Come for the oil change, stay for the grease. Wanda: Choose Glen Frey for a menage a trios. Brent: You know, that's not spooky at all. Hank: You're not even thinkin' about it. Karen: Hank, I don't care. Hank: You don't think it would be cool if Star Wars fought Star Trek. Karen: No, I don't! Hank: You're not at all curious who would win a fight Between Darth Vader and Mr. Spock? Karen: I just think you pretty much covered it in the two hour drive. Okay? Wanda: Don't bother checking. It's right. Another option would be my thighs are hot for goat felons. Brent: My thighs are hot for goat felons? Wanda: Yeah. Brent: You know, I don't even know why you work here. With your ability to instantly rearrange letters, you could...oh, yeah, there is no practical application for that knowledge. Wanda: At least I have an ability. Brent: I have abilities. Wanda: Yeah? Brent: I could have been a professional singer. "It would never rain in Dog River, if I could squeegee the sky." Jake Gold: You should be on Broadway. Sass Jordan: The Velvet Fog had better watch his back. Farley Flex: This guy is the real deal. Zack Werner: I feel blessed. Karen: Well, it is pretty. Hank: Oh, you should see it in the fall. It's spectacular, all the changing colours. Look at the lake, a shimmering mirror of silver rings rippling towards distant shores, receding into a burnt orange sky. We've got a long walk ahead of us. Karen: Okay, that was different. Oscar: Where's my alphagetti? I bought it, then I left it here. Brent: Yeah. Then you came back and picked it up. Didn't he, Wanda? Wanda: Yep, about 20 minutes ago. Oscar: I did not. Brent: Did not what? Oscar: Get my alphagetti. Brent: You feelin' okay, dad? Oscar: Where's my alphagetti? It was right here on the counter! Brent: Okay, all right, my mistake. We'll get you some. Oscar: Don't humour me. Brent: I'm not humouring ya. Here ya go. Oscar: Thank you. Brent: You gonna pay for that? Oscar: I already paid for this. Wanda: Oh, um, come to think of it, uh, Oscar already paid. Brent: Oh. Okay. If you say you did, then you did. Wanda: Maybe you should lie down. Oscar: Stop it! Wanda: That's fun. Brent: Yeah. Thanks for playin' along. I'm torturing dad because he's been buggin' Mom about... Wanda: Ah, it's okay. I don't need a reason. Karen: You really like fishin', huh? Hank: Fishing is about the interplay of air and water, chance and skill, grace and art. We are linked to infinity by a shimmering strand no thicker than a quarter pound line. Karen: Yeah. Hank: It's hot. Ahh. Karen: That was weird. Hank: Do you want some bug spray? Karen: No, I'm, I'm, I'm good. Brent: Mine was pithier. Lacey: I like it. Enjoy a meal at the Ruby. Brent: Slow service. Makes me look bad. Lacey: Oh come on, it's just a joke. People like that sorta thing. Brent: Except it's not funny. We gotta change. Lacey: Oh, okay. I see. You're allowed to be pithy, but I can't be pithy. Brent: You can be pithy. You just have to be pithy. This isn't pithy. You know what this is, mean spirited. Lacey: This is pithy. Brent: It's not pithy. Lacey: Pithy. Brent: I pride myself on my speedy service. Hold on! Hank: When I find myself in the dappled sunlight on these shores, existence fades into the sound of water. All the world is a lake, each moment a droplet in a torrent of water that began before time. Karen: I like fish. Hank: Well, we should get going. Karen: No, wait! Keep, keep talking about fishing. Um, do you, do you have one those jackets, the ones with the vests with all the pockets? Hank: Well, you know, fishing is like a pocket. We stow away each precious moment... Karen: Kiss me, fish man! Lacey: You call that pithy? Karen: Hey, uh, you don't have any of those fishing magazines, do you? Wanda: Hmm? Karen: You know, with photos of guys fishing? Wanda: Are you okay? Karen: I, I didn't sleep with Hank. Wanda: What? Karen: I don't know what you heard but I didn't sleep with him. Yes, maybe we made out and maybe it was incredible, but I didn't sleep with Hank. Wanda: Are you having some kind of a seizure or something? Hank: Hey. Hey, Wanda, you got any expired milk I can take home? Wanda: Huh? Karen: I need to go have a shower. Hank: Yeah, anything expired. Oscar: There's nothing wrong with my memory. You think I'm not on the ball but I'm on the ball. I'll tell ya when I get off the ball, which is never. Lacey: Something wrong with Oscar? Emma: He's just worried because his memory's slipping a bit. Brent: It happens when you get older. Emma: None of us is getting any younger. Lacey: Now that's true. I'll get you your bill. Oscar: My memory is not slipping. I'm as sharp as I ever was. I don't know what you two are trying to pull. Brent: You getting paranoid, too, Dad? Do you think Mom and I enlisted the whole town in a giant conspiracy to make you think your memory's going? Lacey: And there's your burger. Oscar: Didn't I...? I, I didn't... Lacey: Something wrong with Oscar? Emma: He's just worried because his memory's slipping a bit. Brent: It happens when you get older. Emma: And none of us is getting any younger. Oscar: Stop it, ya bunch a! Emma: Don't fly off the handle. Brent: I'm not off the handle. I'm still on the handle. I'll tell ya when I come off the handle, or the ball. Brent: Good teamwork. Lacey: Hey, it's nice you're not upset about how I changed the sign. Brent: You changed the sign? Karen: Why couldn't you have come on that fishing trip? I know aromatherapy's aromatherapy, but... Davis: I never went to an aromatherapist. It was an excuse. Last time I was fishing, Hank was...I had strange feelings, tingly feelings. I decided it would be better not to go. Karen: I didn't sleep with him, you know? Davis: What? Karen: Who have you been talking to? What are people saying? Davis: What happened? Karen: He was talking about Darth Vader fighting Mr. Spock. Davis: Darth Vader would never fight Mr. Spock. Darth Vader would fight Captain Kirk. And there would be a good match. Brent: Man, is it busy. I've been hearing more bells than... Wanda: Quasimodo? Pavlov's dog? The chief bell tester down at the big bell factory? Brent: What was the first one you said there? Kwamedoso. Let's go with that. Wanda: What ya doin'? Brent: I'm workin' on a new slogan for the sign out there. I wanted to go with "Lacey is a cow," but I can't find a "W." Lacey: You don't have to do that. I took down "Brent is an ass." Wanda: Ooh. Brent: I can't remember, were there any "W's" in there? Lacey: Oh, Brent, lets just stop this childish fight. Brent: It's not childish. Hey, is "poopface" hyphenated? Lacey: No, really Brent, business has been picking up and I don't want to ruin everything just because of these stupid signs. Wanda: Oh. But people love the signs. That's why we're so busy. People are coming by just to see what you're gonna put up next. Lacey: Okay, take the "M," flip it over, make it look like a "W." Hank: Why are you goin' around tellin' people we slept together? Brent: Hank? Hank: Now people are gonna think I'm easy. Stop braggin'! Lacey: Karen, you slept with Hank? Hank: God! You even told Lacey? You are such a bragger! Karen: Aaaeeh! Brent: The sign is nigh. Lacey: I don't get it. This place is deader than a... Wanda: Quasimodo? Pavlov's dog? The chief bell tester down at the big bell factory, after he died? Brent: I don't know. I mean our slogan is snarky, but clever. What went wrong? Davis: Hey, guys. Your new sign sucks. Plus the "s" in "should" is obviously an upside-down "5." Lacey: We need better slogans. Wanda: Hey. Karen: Hoo! Don't sneak up on me like that. I'm armed, you know? Wanda: Is the gun even loaded? Karen: I don't know, probably. Wanda: This is an intervention. You have a problem. Karen: I don't have a problem. Wanda: Yes, you do. You slept with Hank. Karen: I didn't sleep with Hank. Wanda: Well then, why are you telling everybody you slept with him? Do you have a substance abuse problem? Karen: When he goes fishing, he's different. He talks about the string of life And the indelible eternal string. Wanda: Are you on something right now? Let me check your pupils. Karen: He was like Brad Pitt in "A River Runs Through It" or "The Horse Whisperer." He was like the fish whisperer. Wanda: The fish whisperer? Listen to you! You slept with Hank and you're not making any sense! That's why you need this intervention! Karen: I didn't sleep with Hank! Lacey: Okay, what about this? "The gas at Corner Gas burns dirty, while the Ruby is dirty, and the food gives you heartburn." Brent: Geez, I don't know. Do you think it's long enough? Lacey: We need something big, something outrageous. Brent: My thighs are hot for goat felons. Lacey: Your thighs are what? Wanda: Hey, I just saw Karen downtown. We were talking about Hank. Brent: You were just with Karen downtown? Wanda: Yeah. Brent: Well, who's watchin' the gas station? Wanda: I don't know. Brent: What if a customer comes in? Wanda: They leave money on the counter. It's not as if we're missing someone important. Pamela Wallin: Hello? I'm Pamela Wallin, the Canadian consul general to New York. Hello? I used to be on television. I have a platinum card. Is anybody here? Hank: I want to talk to you. Ooh, I've never been in the front of one of these before. Karen: It's 'cause you're not allowed to. Hank: Look, I just wanted to say I forgive you. Karen: What? Hank: I forgive you, you know, for goin' around braggin. Karen: I'm not bragging. You should be apologizing to me. Hank: You're the one who lured me out into the woods. Karen: You lured me into the woods and then seduced me with your sexy fish talk. Hank: What, are you nuts? Fish talk ain't sexy. Karen: Well, no point in arguing. What do you want to do about it? Hank: Well, time heals all wounds. Time is also the angler that catches us all. Karen: Stop with the sexy fish talk! Hank: Fine. But you stop braggin' about us. Karen: Okay. Hank: All right. I mean, I, I don't want what happened that day to wreck what was a perfectly good non-friendship. Karen: You're right. Before that day we had something that was not special at all. I hope we can go back to that. Hank: Me too. Karen: You know, it's kinda like shooting. You get this sudden burst of raw energy that explodes into a gossamer thread. As the bullet tries to, you know, kill the thing you've got the gun pointed at. Hank: You're disgusting. Brent: Okay, here they come. Get ready. Hey, Dad. Did you forget what day it is today? Oscar: What the hell are you talking about? Wanda: Well, I know what day it is. It's... Emma: Uh, wait a minute. Oscar, can you wait for me outside for a second? Oscar: Why? Emma: I have to buy some, um, female things. This has gone far enough. No more tricking your father. It's getting cruel. Brent: Aaah. Emma: No more tricks. Brent: Okay. You heard her, everybody. Wanda: Well, that was a waste of time. Emma: We've gone too far. You should apologize. Brent: Me? What about you? Emma: I have to live with the gut. Now apologize. You're making him paranoid. Brent: Makin' him paranoid? He thinks that the G.S.T. was brought in as a personal attack against him. Emma: I know. Brent: Fine. Make sure you get both signs, the one that says that he's 60 and the one that says he's 70. Emma: Are those crab cakes? Leave them. Brent: Dad, I've been told I want to apologize to you. Oscar: Well, it's about time. What for? Brent: Well, me and Lacey and, uh, well, the whole town really, have been kinda working together to make you think your memory's going. Oscar: No, you haven't. Brent: Yes, we have. Remember the hamburger thing? Lacey brought you a hamburger when you just finished eating a hamburger. The alphagetti? Oscar: What the hell are you talkin' about? Brent: You left your alphagetti at the gas station. I run a gas station? Oscar: I know you run a gas station. What the hell are you trying to pull? Emma: Did you get it all worked out? Oscar: He's makin' up a story about how the whole town's trying to trick me. But I'm not fallin' for it. Emma: Come on, Oscar, let's go home. I'll make you some alphagetti. Oscar: I want the kind with dinosaurs. Brent: Wow. Business is good, huh? Lacey: Yeah. How about you? Brent: Yeah. It's been non-stop gas pumpin' action over there. I've been hearin' more bells than a hunchback dog at a bell factory. Davis: Hiya, guys. Just wanted to say love the new sign. Two thumbs up. Lacey: Well, I guess it pays to advertise. Brent: If you have the right slogan. Hank: You're such a bragger. Category:Transcripts